A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.
"Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."
"That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children."…
… The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think…
Hilary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Who's clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life.
"Where's Bill Clintons clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch
with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm
going downtown." He questioned her as to why she was going downtown and she told him
"I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that Then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to
the porch and his wife. She said "And just where do you think you are going?" He replied "I'm going downtown too".
"Why?" She asked....... He said "I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"...
A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend.
Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his butt.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
How was I
A guy meets a girl at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night. Her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They got back to her house and go into her bedroom. When the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor,
and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. They clear off the bed and go at it.
Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks..."well, how was I?" She says.."well,..you can take anything from the bottom shelf!"